Many people hate to say no to friends or family, especially when someone close to them is asking for help. Many of us also get upset when others say no to us. But a very wise person once said that when others say no to us, they are saying yes to something else in their lives.

This is an important observation. It sets us free to ask ourselves what we need to say yes to. It allows us to figure out what is most important and then go about accomplishing those things. When we say no, it doesn’t have to be hurtful or mean. We don’t have to apologize for having our own objectives. We just need to be clear about what they are in order to say yes to them.

Many times in our work and our personal lives people will come to us with requests. Can we help them with this project? Can we work late tonight to finish this job? It happens just about every day. Often the requests are for important tasks, which makes it hard to say no when we need to. But how important is it in light of your objectives? If you need to leave work on time to take care of your family, then say so without second-guessing yourself.

Sometimes You Have to Change Your Perspective
Earlier, I mentioned a teacher who helped me understand that when someone says no to me, they are actually saying yes to some other part of their life. This was a change in perspective for me. Previously, I had felt like saying no to someone was rejection. And I took it as rejection when someone said no to me. By seeing things from a different angle, I was given the opportunity to take a different approach on how I live my life and how I interact with others. How many times have we thought that there is only one way to see a situation or solve a problem?

I am reminded of a particular Star Trek episode where the Enterprise was passing through a series of energy waves. Each successive wave was stronger than the previous wave, and they kept applying more energy to the shields to protect them from the waves. This continued until the waves started to cause damage, almost crushing the ship. Eventually someone realized that the waves were getting their energy from the shields. The more energy applied to the shields, the more powerful the waves were. It was only when they turned the shields off completely that the waves went away.

How often do we try to solve a problem by putting more work, energy, or thought into it? Perhaps the answer is to turn off your defenses and not control every part of your life.